We are never too old to learn new things, or realise old things that now seem new. My biggest lesson this summer is about how we over and under estimate people we think we know.
I am at a festival and (niaively on my part) begin to wigg out totally. there is this big amorphous blob of bodies and I spy one person I know (and his friends). i explain as best I can my situation - wigging out needing faces I know around - and the person I know ( a one time intimate friend) fecks off and I wig out further. It was not nice.
I am at work and the day is horriffic, traffic jams, people not showing up for meetings, money wasted, hours on the road, hot hot heat and crap music on the radio (have no cd player). Work wigg out really! The person at the last meeting was more concerned about particular contractual issues in my personal life than anything else and unasked gave some very solid good advice. When I asked her why she said " because I like you and I can".
Finally a person I have been friends with for a long, long time invited me to a party. When I arrived I was the first person there I asked how the important job went. "oh it was awful, I had to carry heavy things through the mud, my room had a leak in it and horrid things happenned all the time" Later another friend arrived and asked the same question "it was great, we were in this huge room with a beautiful mural and even thou it rained I had my wellies and there were loads of people helping to lift things and carry stuff".
How much do we over and underestimate people we think we know ?
Friday 7 September 2007
Tuesday 28 August 2007
Tuesday 7 August 2007
bored and unmotivated
bleargh, ug, mwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
blah blah blah blah blah blah.
GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
bored bored bored bored bored
unmotivated unmovitated unmovitated unmovitated.
off to the pub !!!
blah blah blah blah blah blah.
GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
bored bored bored bored bored
unmotivated unmovitated unmovitated unmovitated.
off to the pub !!!
Wednesday 11 July 2007
Times they are a'changing
Ever since I have come back from Greece there has been something new and different about me, I can't quite put my finger on it, people who know me well can't see it, but people who don't do. Went to a huge party at the weekend and people were commenting on how different I was.
Tonight daughter and I had one of those late night "chats", where she was totally honest with me about some of the more intricate parts of our relationship. She said a lot that hurt me, and we both acknowledged this. She also said something very interesting and something that I have only recently (unconsciously) recognised. She told me that I separate the different parts of myself so that there is a "professional Rae" a "party Rae" a "respectable Rae" a "mother Rae" a "sporty Rae" etc etc and that she couldn't understand why I didn't understand that Rae was great and there was no need for the division. I am am aghast on 2 levels, firstly because BDFH can be so frelling spot on and can know (for ages) something I am only just beginning to recognise and secondly how much I appreciate, love and respect that she feels able to talk to me so honestly. This was not the only thing we talked about tonight, she really let me have it - where she thought I had gone wrong, and how and too too much to retell. The upside is that I should be feeling like a big piece of poo and I am not, I am just totally respecting the fact that she feels OK talking to me like this.
This, coupled with the Scott experience and I really can feel those cogs moving on.
Tonight daughter and I had one of those late night "chats", where she was totally honest with me about some of the more intricate parts of our relationship. She said a lot that hurt me, and we both acknowledged this. She also said something very interesting and something that I have only recently (unconsciously) recognised. She told me that I separate the different parts of myself so that there is a "professional Rae" a "party Rae" a "respectable Rae" a "mother Rae" a "sporty Rae" etc etc and that she couldn't understand why I didn't understand that Rae was great and there was no need for the division. I am am aghast on 2 levels, firstly because BDFH can be so frelling spot on and can know (for ages) something I am only just beginning to recognise and secondly how much I appreciate, love and respect that she feels able to talk to me so honestly. This was not the only thing we talked about tonight, she really let me have it - where she thought I had gone wrong, and how and too too much to retell. The upside is that I should be feeling like a big piece of poo and I am not, I am just totally respecting the fact that she feels OK talking to me like this.
This, coupled with the Scott experience and I really can feel those cogs moving on.
Wednesday 4 July 2007
JoHari's Window
I've been thinking a lot about how one begins to believe certain things about oneself, how one believes this knowledge is true and what happens when one lets go of this and begins to believe / see self concept from another angle.
Yes I have a side of myself that I hide from most others, being on holiday and knowing that I would never see any of the people I met again, I am wondering if the Rae that was visible then is really who I am, and if so how unfortunate that is, for me. Because the outward Rae that people engaged with was my genuine outward persona. The Rae that sat and talked till dawn on many nights was me stripped bare - metaphorically and actually (it was very hot !).
For me this holiday has been more about the physical - I am a large woman, large in character, personality and physical being, on holiday my recognition of my own physicality was obsolete and I have to question why? Surely one should be more self confident amongst people who know and accept rather than strangers who could judge and yet for me the opposite was true.
Having written this I am aware that I am going to a fancy dress evening (for me sheer hell) yet am wanting to and being quite inventive and determined to dress up. I am also going to a party on Saturday night - usually I would steer clear of parties that start late - and am full of excitement for this one, new confidence - see that holiday romance DID do me the world of good.
It's going to be a great summer
Yes I have a side of myself that I hide from most others, being on holiday and knowing that I would never see any of the people I met again, I am wondering if the Rae that was visible then is really who I am, and if so how unfortunate that is, for me. Because the outward Rae that people engaged with was my genuine outward persona. The Rae that sat and talked till dawn on many nights was me stripped bare - metaphorically and actually (it was very hot !).
For me this holiday has been more about the physical - I am a large woman, large in character, personality and physical being, on holiday my recognition of my own physicality was obsolete and I have to question why? Surely one should be more self confident amongst people who know and accept rather than strangers who could judge and yet for me the opposite was true.
Having written this I am aware that I am going to a fancy dress evening (for me sheer hell) yet am wanting to and being quite inventive and determined to dress up. I am also going to a party on Saturday night - usually I would steer clear of parties that start late - and am full of excitement for this one, new confidence - see that holiday romance DID do me the world of good.
It's going to be a great summer
Monday 2 July 2007
Time to slow down
Phew ! How exhausting have things been, since my last post I have been traveling around so much for work (and play) and getting my head down writing funding bids to keep my job going. It has been high octane, and I have been so totally exhausted. Not anymore - a 2 week holiday in 40 degree heat complete with a holiday "romance" (shouldn't that happen in your teens ?) and I am a new, all be it very cold woman. Even though I only got back yesterday from my holiday, it seems very far away and a very long time ago.
Something is fundamentelly changing inside and I am not quite sure what it is, a result of very honest conversations with old friends, and many long night conversations with new ones.
Something is fundamentelly changing inside and I am not quite sure what it is, a result of very honest conversations with old friends, and many long night conversations with new ones.
Monday 14 May 2007
absence and birthdays
It has been manic, life in general, what between getting out of bed and actually existing and then going back to bed again - ach its terrible.
I have been very busy and trying to look after myself inbetween times and trying very hard to live my constantly updating self affirmations.
I hit "almost forty" in birthdays over the weekend, so maybe the self affirmation thing is about hitting a midlife crisis, or leaving the old one behind while myself figures out what the next one will hold. The one thing birthdays do for me is allow me to recognise and understand the importance we as individuals play in others lives. I am honoured and blessed by the willingness of people who wanted to share and celebrate and marked my birthday with significance - thank you everyone.
I spent Sunday with Alf and we had several profound conversations, the biggest one being about how as humans we need recognition /validation and are not willing to give it to ourselves in certain areas of our lives. I give myself recognition/validation in my profession, but in few other areas, my birthday has allowed me to validate myself and recognise roles I play for other people. My task now is to share that with other aspects of my life where I know it is hugely lacking.
My life, due to work continues to be very very busy & I love this and will carve time for every other aspect too.
I have been very busy and trying to look after myself inbetween times and trying very hard to live my constantly updating self affirmations.
I hit "almost forty" in birthdays over the weekend, so maybe the self affirmation thing is about hitting a midlife crisis, or leaving the old one behind while myself figures out what the next one will hold. The one thing birthdays do for me is allow me to recognise and understand the importance we as individuals play in others lives. I am honoured and blessed by the willingness of people who wanted to share and celebrate and marked my birthday with significance - thank you everyone.
I spent Sunday with Alf and we had several profound conversations, the biggest one being about how as humans we need recognition /validation and are not willing to give it to ourselves in certain areas of our lives. I give myself recognition/validation in my profession, but in few other areas, my birthday has allowed me to validate myself and recognise roles I play for other people. My task now is to share that with other aspects of my life where I know it is hugely lacking.
My life, due to work continues to be very very busy & I love this and will carve time for every other aspect too.
Sunday 22 April 2007
Wednesday 4 April 2007
fecking tehnology
I have just written a huge blog about an experience I had at the weekend, internet connection went down and now everyone is deprived of my great revelations,which basically amount to this:
After spending some time with M's father I have reached several conclusions:
1: I am not as sorted as I thought I was where he is concerned
2: he is actually very boring
3: I think I need recognition from Roger about the role I have had to play in bringing up such a fantastic daugther.
See at times it is worth cutting throught the bullshit and getting straight to the point. If only I could always do it !
Weather is great, if a little cold at night - have huge plans to sort out my garden in time for a birthday party next month and decorate my bedroom. Unless of course I spend the whole of the weekend in bed like I did on Sunday.......................................
After spending some time with M's father I have reached several conclusions:
1: I am not as sorted as I thought I was where he is concerned
2: he is actually very boring
3: I think I need recognition from Roger about the role I have had to play in bringing up such a fantastic daugther.
See at times it is worth cutting throught the bullshit and getting straight to the point. If only I could always do it !
Weather is great, if a little cold at night - have huge plans to sort out my garden in time for a birthday party next month and decorate my bedroom. Unless of course I spend the whole of the weekend in bed like I did on Sunday.......................................
Thursday 29 March 2007
smeggy crowded places
London was amazing. I always forget that I once lived there, thou it was for only a year & I did not in my teenage wisdom participate it all it has to offer. I experienced a huge desire to live there for a very short while and participate in everything the city has to offer, the anti iraqu campsite outside the houses of parliment, the free plays, the art exhibitions, the complete fecking vibrancy living in a city brings. Being there was so totally exciting , amazing architecture mixed with 1960s buildings. Adoring the faux Dahli sculpture dotted around the south bank, and the amazing photo Daniel almost took of the human statue chatting to his friend on a "break", it was quite surreal.
My biggest thrill was actually being able to walk legitimately into/through/and past Westminster Abbey and not be arrested (you know what I am talking about those who know).
I walked 40 mins from where I was staying to Westminster and felt the city smegginess surrounding me, I did not want a ciggie and was very obviously excited to be in this huge potentiality, where I could join in with any art, desire, design I wanted. The feeling of being part of something greater than yourself is very tangible, and in a totally different way than when I go home to the huge sand dunes and mile long empty beaches, it was a feeling of being totally alone amongst a huge mass. This in itself is - to me - quite scary. I want to feel alone when I am the only person on Rossbeigh beach in the middle of a storm in November. I don't necessarily want to feel alone in the middle of London in a huge storm of people towards the end of March.
I had a great chat with Karin and am amazed at how easy it is to totally adore people for just being them and how much one can learn. I am very pleased to say that I am growing more and more as a human. At least I think I am..............
You may or may not be glad to hear at this stage that I am still feeling very horny. This is not good, voluptuous women rarely get a look in, never mind in a city filled with stickwomen, even less so in a county filled with the ten to one-ers.
It has been a very full few days filled with a huge amount of revelations, work and personal wise. I have not had time to reflect on this and am sure when I do will appear with some profound bullshit. such as
"something very profound and meaningful, how things will be different now I have discovered this"
My biggest thrill was actually being able to walk legitimately into/through/and past Westminster Abbey and not be arrested (you know what I am talking about those who know).
I walked 40 mins from where I was staying to Westminster and felt the city smegginess surrounding me, I did not want a ciggie and was very obviously excited to be in this huge potentiality, where I could join in with any art, desire, design I wanted. The feeling of being part of something greater than yourself is very tangible, and in a totally different way than when I go home to the huge sand dunes and mile long empty beaches, it was a feeling of being totally alone amongst a huge mass. This in itself is - to me - quite scary. I want to feel alone when I am the only person on Rossbeigh beach in the middle of a storm in November. I don't necessarily want to feel alone in the middle of London in a huge storm of people towards the end of March.
I had a great chat with Karin and am amazed at how easy it is to totally adore people for just being them and how much one can learn. I am very pleased to say that I am growing more and more as a human. At least I think I am..............
You may or may not be glad to hear at this stage that I am still feeling very horny. This is not good, voluptuous women rarely get a look in, never mind in a city filled with stickwomen, even less so in a county filled with the ten to one-ers.
It has been a very full few days filled with a huge amount of revelations, work and personal wise. I have not had time to reflect on this and am sure when I do will appear with some profound bullshit. such as
"something very profound and meaningful, how things will be different now I have discovered this"
Tuesday 27 March 2007
parties and sex and stuff
Why is it that I feel a zillion times hornier after sex (as in a day or so later) than I did before the sex happenned ?
Went to a great party over the weekend, lovely to see so many amazing friends, make new ones, and I missed the ones that weren't there. It was the usual dancing till dawn affair in the middle of nowhere and sleeping in cars (or not sleeping in OBs van in my case). I spent ALL sunday asleep in my own leaba (irish for bed) recovering from late night and excess.
now am zinging off to London for a conference tomorrow and then to Bath for a team thingy on Thursday.
A thousand things whrirring around my head.
Big quetion of the day, why do I feel hornier now than I did on Friday afternoon ? does this happen to everyone ?
Had huge discussion with OB and hippy Rich about the unconscious progress one makes as one gets older - it was commented on that I was not nearly as obnoxious as I usuall am dispite similar levals of consumption of goodies. is this because I am happy with myself and where I am getting to personally ? Is this because I no longer feel threatened by the other party participants ?
found out today a friend of mine is getting married in 3 weeks time after only knowing her future husband for a week - does this really happen ? obviously so, but it perplexes me.
am excited about london and looking forward to the mass - the crowds, the noise, the confusion.
My daughter's father is coming to "Tea" on Saturday. I've only seen him briefly once in 6 years, and this will be the first time he has been to this home. She invited him thinking I would not be around, and now I don't want to be there and resent having to vacate my home, although realise it is her home too. I don't particularly wish to see him and am thrilled that she has this new and developing relationship with him.
The overarching theme of the day however must be horniness !
London adventures await, mabye followed by a text to OB to get my earrings and knickers back !!!
Went to a great party over the weekend, lovely to see so many amazing friends, make new ones, and I missed the ones that weren't there. It was the usual dancing till dawn affair in the middle of nowhere and sleeping in cars (or not sleeping in OBs van in my case). I spent ALL sunday asleep in my own leaba (irish for bed) recovering from late night and excess.
now am zinging off to London for a conference tomorrow and then to Bath for a team thingy on Thursday.
A thousand things whrirring around my head.
Big quetion of the day, why do I feel hornier now than I did on Friday afternoon ? does this happen to everyone ?
Had huge discussion with OB and hippy Rich about the unconscious progress one makes as one gets older - it was commented on that I was not nearly as obnoxious as I usuall am dispite similar levals of consumption of goodies. is this because I am happy with myself and where I am getting to personally ? Is this because I no longer feel threatened by the other party participants ?
found out today a friend of mine is getting married in 3 weeks time after only knowing her future husband for a week - does this really happen ? obviously so, but it perplexes me.
am excited about london and looking forward to the mass - the crowds, the noise, the confusion.
My daughter's father is coming to "Tea" on Saturday. I've only seen him briefly once in 6 years, and this will be the first time he has been to this home. She invited him thinking I would not be around, and now I don't want to be there and resent having to vacate my home, although realise it is her home too. I don't particularly wish to see him and am thrilled that she has this new and developing relationship with him.
The overarching theme of the day however must be horniness !
London adventures await, mabye followed by a text to OB to get my earrings and knickers back !!!
Monday 19 March 2007
Phew, thats better!
What is so interesting is how ones mood and outlook can be affected by 101 different things. Working in the depths of Cornwall when the rest of my team are over 170 miles away sure makes it difficult some times. I am very lucky to work with a very supportive group of people who allowed me to explain my concerns and worries and have been brilliant supporting me throught this doldrum. Things are now getting back on track - horray !
I have rediscovered the benefits of a good nights sleep based on a mug of herbal tea/relaxing lavender bath. The sun has been out and I have been allowing myself long walks on the almost deserted beach 5 mins away from my home. And thanks to my amazing wonderful friends surrounded myself with good honest people.
The past few weeks have been busy busy busy, lots of trips for work away from Cornwall which has meant lots of time spent driving or on the train = time for relfection and a much needed kick up the arse. 6 nations rugby has given me a chance to shout and scream myself very hoarse and loving paitience from my loving family has made things back on form.
The thing with living somewhere so rural and isolated is that at times it is just that - rural and isolated. The nearest Art Gallery, live music, decent film, night out (and not going to friends with a bottle of wine) means travelling, effort and money. It's worth it once you get there (last night a trip to the pub, and then cinema to see "Perfume, the story of a murderer" was brilliant, but a 45 + minute drive). At times I crave the accessability of living somewhere more cosmopolitian and at times, I adore being able to sit in my garden in the sun drinking tea with hippy Rich or whomever pops by. This skitzophrenia I feel could well be addressed by my plans for world domination once BDFH (Bi**h Daughter from Hell) leaves and I take off on my travels.
TTFN
R
I have rediscovered the benefits of a good nights sleep based on a mug of herbal tea/relaxing lavender bath. The sun has been out and I have been allowing myself long walks on the almost deserted beach 5 mins away from my home. And thanks to my amazing wonderful friends surrounded myself with good honest people.
The past few weeks have been busy busy busy, lots of trips for work away from Cornwall which has meant lots of time spent driving or on the train = time for relfection and a much needed kick up the arse. 6 nations rugby has given me a chance to shout and scream myself very hoarse and loving paitience from my loving family has made things back on form.
The thing with living somewhere so rural and isolated is that at times it is just that - rural and isolated. The nearest Art Gallery, live music, decent film, night out (and not going to friends with a bottle of wine) means travelling, effort and money. It's worth it once you get there (last night a trip to the pub, and then cinema to see "Perfume, the story of a murderer" was brilliant, but a 45 + minute drive). At times I crave the accessability of living somewhere more cosmopolitian and at times, I adore being able to sit in my garden in the sun drinking tea with hippy Rich or whomever pops by. This skitzophrenia I feel could well be addressed by my plans for world domination once BDFH (Bi**h Daughter from Hell) leaves and I take off on my travels.
TTFN
R
Monday 5 March 2007
ARGH
Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh. life is so crap, shite and uccie. I have no motivation, impetus to acheive anything, am picking fights with friends, and being all round miserable. I always get like this when I have been home, this time it is worse than ever before. Nothing is cheering me up, not getting top marks in my observation today, not being chatted up by someone 17 years younger than me at the weekend, not getting a surprise cheque in the post, not seeing primroses in my garden or having a house full of daffodils.
I am trying very hard to shake myself out of this - fingers crossed.
I am trying very hard to shake myself out of this - fingers crossed.
Monday 22 January 2007
musings
What is it about this country that is so adverse to rugby ? I scoured the county on Saturday to try and find a pub/club showing the European Cup matches - the only place doing so was my local rugby club, but they wouldn't let me watch because I wasn't a member. have you ever tried to become involved in a match with only audio for you information - v blinking difficult.
On a nicer side of things, am dramatically without a vehicle, and have to resort to trains and busses. It is amazing how much one is forced to slow the pace of things down when on public transport, not only that, but all responsability for delays are totally out of your hands. And sociable - over the past few days I have met a woman who emmigrated to Egypt in her 50s, only to return to Cornwall when her grandchildren were born in her 60s, a chap who is learning to become a Pilot in his spare time, and another woman who read some novel based in Cornwall as a girl and has travelled from Americia to visit all the places mentioned in the novel. It is fasinating stuff and I am arriving at work relaxed, sociable and having done lots of work on the train. Can't be bad.
Gearing up for 6 nations in a couple of weeks, am off to wales for the Ireland V Wales game - excitment, thrills and lots of shouting - perfect.
On a nicer side of things, am dramatically without a vehicle, and have to resort to trains and busses. It is amazing how much one is forced to slow the pace of things down when on public transport, not only that, but all responsability for delays are totally out of your hands. And sociable - over the past few days I have met a woman who emmigrated to Egypt in her 50s, only to return to Cornwall when her grandchildren were born in her 60s, a chap who is learning to become a Pilot in his spare time, and another woman who read some novel based in Cornwall as a girl and has travelled from Americia to visit all the places mentioned in the novel. It is fasinating stuff and I am arriving at work relaxed, sociable and having done lots of work on the train. Can't be bad.
Gearing up for 6 nations in a couple of weeks, am off to wales for the Ireland V Wales game - excitment, thrills and lots of shouting - perfect.
Thursday 18 January 2007
Hello there
Well, this is the ultimate in indulgence really isn't. Posting thoughts and ramblings in the vague hope that someone somewhere will read the meanderings of a mixed mind. and actually bother to have something to say about it.
I am in the middle of the day from hell and decided some distraction is in order.
having recently been accused of the unique and quiet order of my life and lack of spontaneity, I decided a few hours later to sell my house ! up yours O.B. how's that for spontaneous, or is that more impulsive ? and what defines the difference between the two ? - answers on a posting please.
And another fine question raised over lunch by Eoghan yesterday if "the best made plans of mice and men go awry", what happens when the plans of mice go well, why do we never hear about it ?
am severly lacking car due to exploding head gasket, I now have to negotiate the joys of rural public transport to get to work tomorrow. no doubt this will give me amble to ramble about ....
I am in the middle of the day from hell and decided some distraction is in order.
having recently been accused of the unique and quiet order of my life and lack of spontaneity, I decided a few hours later to sell my house ! up yours O.B. how's that for spontaneous, or is that more impulsive ? and what defines the difference between the two ? - answers on a posting please.
And another fine question raised over lunch by Eoghan yesterday if "the best made plans of mice and men go awry", what happens when the plans of mice go well, why do we never hear about it ?
am severly lacking car due to exploding head gasket, I now have to negotiate the joys of rural public transport to get to work tomorrow. no doubt this will give me amble to ramble about ....
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