Times they are a'changing

Ever since I have come back from Greece there has been something new and different about me, I can't quite put my finger on it, people who know me well can't see it, but people who don't do. Went to a huge party at the weekend and people were commenting on how different I was.
Tonight daughter and I had one of those late night "chats", where she was totally honest with me about some of the more intricate parts of our relationship. She said a lot that hurt me, and we both acknowledged this. She also said something very interesting and something that I have only recently (unconsciously) recognised. She told me that I separate the different parts of myself so that there is a "professional Rae" a "party Rae" a "respectable Rae" a "mother Rae" a "sporty Rae" etc etc and that she couldn't understand why I didn't understand that Rae was great and there was no need for the division. I am am aghast on 2 levels, firstly because BDFH can be so frelling spot on and can know (for ages) something I am only just beginning to recognise and secondly how much I appreciate, love and respect that she feels able to talk to me so honestly. This was not the only thing we talked about tonight, she really let me have it - where she thought I had gone wrong, and how and too too much to retell. The upside is that I should be feeling like a big piece of poo and I am not, I am just totally respecting the fact that she feels OK talking to me like this.
This, coupled with the Scott experience and I really can feel those cogs moving on.

JoHari's Window

I've been thinking a lot about how one begins to believe certain things about oneself, how one believes this knowledge is true and what happens when one lets go of this and begins to believe / see self concept from another angle.
Yes I have a side of myself that I hide from most others, being on holiday and knowing that I would never see any of the people I met again, I am wondering if the Rae that was visible then is really who I am, and if so how unfortunate that is, for me. Because the outward Rae that people engaged with was my genuine outward persona. The Rae that sat and talked till dawn on many nights was me stripped bare - metaphorically and actually (it was very hot !).
For me this holiday has been more about the physical - I am a large woman, large in character, personality and physical being, on holiday my recognition of my own physicality was obsolete and I have to question why? Surely one should be more self confident amongst people who know and accept rather than strangers who could judge and yet for me the opposite was true.

Having written this I am aware that I am going to a fancy dress evening (for me sheer hell) yet am wanting to and being quite inventive and determined to dress up. I am also going to a party on Saturday night - usually I would steer clear of parties that start late - and am full of excitement for this one, new confidence - see that holiday romance DID do me the world of good.

It's going to be a great summer

Time to slow down

Phew ! How exhausting have things been, since my last post I have been traveling around so much for work (and play) and getting my head down writing funding bids to keep my job going. It has been high octane, and I have been so totally exhausted. Not anymore - a 2 week holiday in 40 degree heat complete with a holiday "romance" (shouldn't that happen in your teens ?) and I am a new, all be it very cold woman. Even though I only got back yesterday from my holiday, it seems very far away and a very long time ago.

Something is fundamentelly changing inside and I am not quite sure what it is, a result of very honest conversations with old friends, and many long night conversations with new ones.