We are never too old to learn new things, or realise old things that now seem new. My biggest lesson this summer is about how we over and under estimate people we think we know.
I am at a festival and (niaively on my part) begin to wigg out totally. there is this big amorphous blob of bodies and I spy one person I know (and his friends). i explain as best I can my situation - wigging out needing faces I know around - and the person I know ( a one time intimate friend) fecks off and I wig out further. It was not nice.
I am at work and the day is horriffic, traffic jams, people not showing up for meetings, money wasted, hours on the road, hot hot heat and crap music on the radio (have no cd player). Work wigg out really! The person at the last meeting was more concerned about particular contractual issues in my personal life than anything else and unasked gave some very solid good advice. When I asked her why she said " because I like you and I can".
Finally a person I have been friends with for a long, long time invited me to a party. When I arrived I was the first person there I asked how the important job went. "oh it was awful, I had to carry heavy things through the mud, my room had a leak in it and horrid things happenned all the time" Later another friend arrived and asked the same question "it was great, we were in this huge room with a beautiful mural and even thou it rained I had my wellies and there were loads of people helping to lift things and carry stuff".
How much do we over and underestimate people we think we know ?
Friday 7 September 2007
Tuesday 28 August 2007
Tuesday 7 August 2007
bored and unmotivated
bleargh, ug, mwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
blah blah blah blah blah blah.
GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
bored bored bored bored bored
unmotivated unmovitated unmovitated unmovitated.
off to the pub !!!
blah blah blah blah blah blah.
GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
bored bored bored bored bored
unmotivated unmovitated unmovitated unmovitated.
off to the pub !!!
Wednesday 11 July 2007
Times they are a'changing
Ever since I have come back from Greece there has been something new and different about me, I can't quite put my finger on it, people who know me well can't see it, but people who don't do. Went to a huge party at the weekend and people were commenting on how different I was.
Tonight daughter and I had one of those late night "chats", where she was totally honest with me about some of the more intricate parts of our relationship. She said a lot that hurt me, and we both acknowledged this. She also said something very interesting and something that I have only recently (unconsciously) recognised. She told me that I separate the different parts of myself so that there is a "professional Rae" a "party Rae" a "respectable Rae" a "mother Rae" a "sporty Rae" etc etc and that she couldn't understand why I didn't understand that Rae was great and there was no need for the division. I am am aghast on 2 levels, firstly because BDFH can be so frelling spot on and can know (for ages) something I am only just beginning to recognise and secondly how much I appreciate, love and respect that she feels able to talk to me so honestly. This was not the only thing we talked about tonight, she really let me have it - where she thought I had gone wrong, and how and too too much to retell. The upside is that I should be feeling like a big piece of poo and I am not, I am just totally respecting the fact that she feels OK talking to me like this.
This, coupled with the Scott experience and I really can feel those cogs moving on.
Tonight daughter and I had one of those late night "chats", where she was totally honest with me about some of the more intricate parts of our relationship. She said a lot that hurt me, and we both acknowledged this. She also said something very interesting and something that I have only recently (unconsciously) recognised. She told me that I separate the different parts of myself so that there is a "professional Rae" a "party Rae" a "respectable Rae" a "mother Rae" a "sporty Rae" etc etc and that she couldn't understand why I didn't understand that Rae was great and there was no need for the division. I am am aghast on 2 levels, firstly because BDFH can be so frelling spot on and can know (for ages) something I am only just beginning to recognise and secondly how much I appreciate, love and respect that she feels able to talk to me so honestly. This was not the only thing we talked about tonight, she really let me have it - where she thought I had gone wrong, and how and too too much to retell. The upside is that I should be feeling like a big piece of poo and I am not, I am just totally respecting the fact that she feels OK talking to me like this.
This, coupled with the Scott experience and I really can feel those cogs moving on.
Wednesday 4 July 2007
JoHari's Window
I've been thinking a lot about how one begins to believe certain things about oneself, how one believes this knowledge is true and what happens when one lets go of this and begins to believe / see self concept from another angle.
Yes I have a side of myself that I hide from most others, being on holiday and knowing that I would never see any of the people I met again, I am wondering if the Rae that was visible then is really who I am, and if so how unfortunate that is, for me. Because the outward Rae that people engaged with was my genuine outward persona. The Rae that sat and talked till dawn on many nights was me stripped bare - metaphorically and actually (it was very hot !).
For me this holiday has been more about the physical - I am a large woman, large in character, personality and physical being, on holiday my recognition of my own physicality was obsolete and I have to question why? Surely one should be more self confident amongst people who know and accept rather than strangers who could judge and yet for me the opposite was true.
Having written this I am aware that I am going to a fancy dress evening (for me sheer hell) yet am wanting to and being quite inventive and determined to dress up. I am also going to a party on Saturday night - usually I would steer clear of parties that start late - and am full of excitement for this one, new confidence - see that holiday romance DID do me the world of good.
It's going to be a great summer
Yes I have a side of myself that I hide from most others, being on holiday and knowing that I would never see any of the people I met again, I am wondering if the Rae that was visible then is really who I am, and if so how unfortunate that is, for me. Because the outward Rae that people engaged with was my genuine outward persona. The Rae that sat and talked till dawn on many nights was me stripped bare - metaphorically and actually (it was very hot !).
For me this holiday has been more about the physical - I am a large woman, large in character, personality and physical being, on holiday my recognition of my own physicality was obsolete and I have to question why? Surely one should be more self confident amongst people who know and accept rather than strangers who could judge and yet for me the opposite was true.
Having written this I am aware that I am going to a fancy dress evening (for me sheer hell) yet am wanting to and being quite inventive and determined to dress up. I am also going to a party on Saturday night - usually I would steer clear of parties that start late - and am full of excitement for this one, new confidence - see that holiday romance DID do me the world of good.
It's going to be a great summer
Monday 2 July 2007
Time to slow down
Phew ! How exhausting have things been, since my last post I have been traveling around so much for work (and play) and getting my head down writing funding bids to keep my job going. It has been high octane, and I have been so totally exhausted. Not anymore - a 2 week holiday in 40 degree heat complete with a holiday "romance" (shouldn't that happen in your teens ?) and I am a new, all be it very cold woman. Even though I only got back yesterday from my holiday, it seems very far away and a very long time ago.
Something is fundamentelly changing inside and I am not quite sure what it is, a result of very honest conversations with old friends, and many long night conversations with new ones.
Something is fundamentelly changing inside and I am not quite sure what it is, a result of very honest conversations with old friends, and many long night conversations with new ones.
Monday 14 May 2007
absence and birthdays
It has been manic, life in general, what between getting out of bed and actually existing and then going back to bed again - ach its terrible.
I have been very busy and trying to look after myself inbetween times and trying very hard to live my constantly updating self affirmations.
I hit "almost forty" in birthdays over the weekend, so maybe the self affirmation thing is about hitting a midlife crisis, or leaving the old one behind while myself figures out what the next one will hold. The one thing birthdays do for me is allow me to recognise and understand the importance we as individuals play in others lives. I am honoured and blessed by the willingness of people who wanted to share and celebrate and marked my birthday with significance - thank you everyone.
I spent Sunday with Alf and we had several profound conversations, the biggest one being about how as humans we need recognition /validation and are not willing to give it to ourselves in certain areas of our lives. I give myself recognition/validation in my profession, but in few other areas, my birthday has allowed me to validate myself and recognise roles I play for other people. My task now is to share that with other aspects of my life where I know it is hugely lacking.
My life, due to work continues to be very very busy & I love this and will carve time for every other aspect too.
I have been very busy and trying to look after myself inbetween times and trying very hard to live my constantly updating self affirmations.
I hit "almost forty" in birthdays over the weekend, so maybe the self affirmation thing is about hitting a midlife crisis, or leaving the old one behind while myself figures out what the next one will hold. The one thing birthdays do for me is allow me to recognise and understand the importance we as individuals play in others lives. I am honoured and blessed by the willingness of people who wanted to share and celebrate and marked my birthday with significance - thank you everyone.
I spent Sunday with Alf and we had several profound conversations, the biggest one being about how as humans we need recognition /validation and are not willing to give it to ourselves in certain areas of our lives. I give myself recognition/validation in my profession, but in few other areas, my birthday has allowed me to validate myself and recognise roles I play for other people. My task now is to share that with other aspects of my life where I know it is hugely lacking.
My life, due to work continues to be very very busy & I love this and will carve time for every other aspect too.
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