I've been thinking a lot about how one begins to believe certain things about oneself, how one believes this knowledge is true and what happens when one lets go of this and begins to believe / see self concept from another angle.
Yes I have a side of myself that I hide from most others, being on holiday and knowing that I would never see any of the people I met again, I am wondering if the Rae that was visible then is really who I am, and if so how unfortunate that is, for me. Because the outward Rae that people engaged with was my genuine outward persona. The Rae that sat and talked till dawn on many nights was me stripped bare - metaphorically and actually (it was very hot !).
For me this holiday has been more about the physical - I am a large woman, large in character, personality and physical being, on holiday my recognition of my own physicality was obsolete and I have to question why? Surely one should be more self confident amongst people who know and accept rather than strangers who could judge and yet for me the opposite was true.
Having written this I am aware that I am going to a fancy dress evening (for me sheer hell) yet am wanting to and being quite inventive and determined to dress up. I am also going to a party on Saturday night - usually I would steer clear of parties that start late - and am full of excitement for this one, new confidence - see that holiday romance DID do me the world of good.
It's going to be a great summer
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